Joe Hartzler

This is an old favorite I wrote for The Aviso, the Malone College newspaper under the pen name, “Flattop Do-Gooder.” I think its an especially effective piece when published on the internet.

Everyone loves a good urban legend. We’ve seen everything from Big Foot to Weapons of Mass Destruction, but there’s a hip new myth out there and it seems that everyone is buying into it. We’ve all heard of “The Internet,” but I wonder how many of us have actually seen the internet? After watching so many of my fellow students duped by this new hoax, I decided to do a little investigating of my own.

For those who aren’t familiar, legend has it that somewhere there exists a web of interconnected computers and gizmos through which information and pornography are shared via phone lines. Yet, the last time I picked up my phone, I got a dial tone, not some porthole to a virtual cyber-world.

Skeptics argue that the rumors of an Information Super Highway are completely false, and that the Internet is just another publicity stunt, like The Beatles. I recently talked with a scientist who wore glasses and he said, “those who believe in the Internet probably don’t know what a Bunsen burner is.” He then added, “Rocket ships! Rocket Ships!”

Students aren’t the only ones propagating this myth. I discovered that Malone College itself is using the Internet to entice new recruits with empty promises of a free email account with the purchase of a college education. While free email sounds great on paper, I wonder how many are actually capitalizing on that promise? I certainly haven’t seen any electronic mail in my phone. When questioned about the alleged existence of the Internet, a spokesperson for Malone said “I’m just here to clean.” Clearly there have been attempts to sweep the issue under the rug.

Despite the locked doors, dead ends, and double speak, I finally caught a break. I actually found a student who claimed to have used the internet. J.J. McFakename, of Heritage Hall, says that he actually used the internet once to copy and paste a report on Honest Abe Lincoln. He claims he has documented proof that he received an “A” on that report. Mr. McFakename, however, failed to check the facts of his story for continuity. I happen to know a thing or two about Mr. Lincoln’s life. After inventing the cotton gin in 1910, Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday by Lee Harvey Oswald. That places Lincoln’s death long before rumors about the Internet ever began circulating. There is simply no way that Abraham Lincoln, who died almost five hundred years ago, could have been found on the Internet by J.J. McFakename. I’ve done the math, and it adds up to a load of hogwash. This is just one of many holes in the Internet myth.

While old wives tales and ghost stories can be good clean fun around the campfire, its important that we don’t get sucked into those fantasies. I believe it was Robert Frost who said, “When I was a child I acted like a stupid kid, but when I got big and strong I quit believing in the Internet.” I think we can all learn from the wisdom Mr. Frost. After all, you don’t become an international singing sensation unless everything you say is right.